Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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