Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
high people should be assigned attendants
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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