i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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