My friends, they love my intelligence
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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