Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
