I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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