Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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