does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
