Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Randomize
