If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
