I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
