She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
