Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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