remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
