it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
