he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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