I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
