I can text with my tongue
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
