11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
