I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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