dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize