im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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