Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
