I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
