1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
