I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
