So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
