Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
