not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
