I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize