you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
