So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
