Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
