He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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