this beer tastes like vomit already
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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