I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize