Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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