Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
