I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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