You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
