He disabled his match.com account in front of me
people are starting to question the shark bite story
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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