my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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