My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Girls should come with a carfax report
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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