areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
