I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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