I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
