before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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