i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
