Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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