I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
