9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
My liver just had a heart attack.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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