my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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