she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
That reminds me...we need to get swords
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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