moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
