I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
