i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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