As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
