I don't usually arrange sex via text message
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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