all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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