if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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