im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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